How Health Ruined Me

Dear New Healthy Lifestyle:


HL—may I call you, HL? Really? Thanks—I just want you to know that after letting you into my life, things are . . . weird . . .

I’ll actually choose carrots and hummus after potato chips. Seriously? Fried taters are like the best things ever. How dare you brainwash my tastebuds into preferring sweet, crunchy baby carrot goodness! And bottle water over Coke?? SERIOUSLY?! The previous me would have never done that. Oh, and then there are all the new recipes you have me trying--loaded with veggies, fruits, and natural ingredients, which taste awesome and feel fantastic. Who gave you permission to do that?? You’re tampering with lives, HL, LIIIIVES!!!

I don’t eat super late any more. In fact, I’m hungry by six. While dementing my tastebuds, you’ve also reset my inner-body clock, and I’m not sure I like this, oh no, not at all.

On top of that, I now insist on some sort of physical activity instead of bumming in front of the telly all day. I actually feel perky after all those squats, crunches, pilates, and speedy walks. I don’t know if I like this. It’s like invasion of the body snatchers . . . but I’m outside watching the snatch of my bod. So weird.

And what’s up with this intolerance of fast food? How inconsiderate! When the absence of my lunchbox forced me to indulge in Mickey-D’s last weekend, I found myself suffering stomach cramps for the rest of the day.
The Rest.
Of.
The Day.
Are you poisoning my burgers, now? Or does my body suddenly lack the ability to digest grease and cheese laden patties of almost meat? Or was there something wrong with my burger and you’ve decided my body should let me know? Ignorance is bliss, dear HL. Always remember that when intruding in the digestive system.

And then, to top it all off, you have a coworker insult me by saying, “My gosh, you eat so healthy!” Never, not once, in my entire life has anyone EVER said that to me. I think you planned this, because it was not at all earned. Nope, not a bit.

And do you want to know the real killer? I think I like this. Yes, dear HL, I think I’m rather fond of you, which is bloody insane.
What.
The crap?

Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to return to my very normal, junkfood laden, sedentary life, thank you very much.

Sincerely,

A Victim