Thursday, August 30, 2012

The thrill is NOT in the hunt . . .

It’s been one of those weeks.

You know, I feel bad complaining because there’s someone out there who has really had a HELL of a week, and, here I am . . . feeling whiny . . . because this week has been less than stellar.

Sometimes, that thought doesn’t help.

Actually, when I first started an entry, three days ago, I was crying silently in my cubby because, doggone it, I had no right to be sad, and that was making me sad, and I really shouldn’t be, which made it worse . . . Sometimes, my brain does more loop-de-loops than a hamster on a wheel. It’s viscous cycle.
Plus it was a Monday . . . a dark, dreary, raining Monday that should have been spent at home . . . Mondays are beasts, anyways, but this was the worst in a long, long time. I went to bed at 6:30 PM just to get away from it. It was nasty, folks.  Gah, Mondays . . .

Mostly it’s due to the house hunt. It’s exhausting and depressing. It’s hit me really hard this week, especially when we THOUGHT we’d found something, only to have it snatched away. Sometimes, you don’t realize how much you care until it’s over. It’s kind of the same thing as that toddler who forgets about a toy, and then she finds it in the trashcans and the world collapses. Yeah, it’s a lot like that . . . only with big toys that you live in . . . and I’m not sure my meltdowns are any more attractive than a toddlers . . . Yeah, it’s not pretty.

The whole desperate search ends up feeling kind of helpless—we’re working as hard as we can, saving up as much as we can, and there is just NOTHING in our price range. I’m not even kidding. We have been checking multiple real estate sites every day for months, talk to the realtor as often as possible, and we come up empty. . . It really is a faith exercise because, at this point, despite all our efforts, the well has run dry.

I guess part of it . . . ok, MOST of it, is that the lack of control bothers me. In every other aspect of my life, I was able to work to make something happen. I had help along the way, certainly, but it SEEMED that by hard work, determination, and wit, I could achieve what I wanted. If I didn’t, it was because I was lacking, not because doors were closing or Fate had other plans. The American Dream, peeps—you work it, you earn it, you get it. Not so much. Sure, you put forth effort, but, do you ever think Something bigger is working behind the scenes? Maybe you work and you get what you need because all the right doors opened because He found it fitting? So, now, I’m sitting going, “Ok, um . . . I’m doing my part! Where’s the house?”

And it’s just not there.

So we wait. I may have loads of tolerance, but patience is not my strong point. I read spoilers because I don’t like to wait for the end. Unfortunately, my life has no Wikipedia site to give away my conclusion. I mean, I know how it all ends, but how do I get there? What happens to me along the way? When do I get there? There’s just no way to figure out the middle mess. It’s the middle mess that’s the interesting bit, the load of unknowns. I have never been good with unknowns. That’s why I research and I plan. My brain and life may be a jumbled, tangled mass of chaos, but I can plan a bloody future. Unfortunately, the best laid plans of mice and men, and all that jazz . . .

The bottom line is that we will be living somewhere in Central Cali. We’re not sure exactly where or when we’ll know where, but we will lay our heads down somewhere with a roof, four walls, and running water, and that’s SO much more than most of the world has, SO much more than even some of our neighbors have. We don’t know the details, and that drives me batty, but life isn’t about making me happy. It’s about a much bigger Story that’s so much greater than my dinky little existence.

So all that to say, I’m sorry I’ve been absent. I’ve missed you all, and I’m crawling out of my self-pitying hole now, I promise.

There has to be rain to make a rainbow, right?



  1. I'm so aware of how stressful that process is and I was fortunate to be able to buy my house in the town I was living in. I can't imagine the stress and frustration you're living with because not only are you not in the same town OR state, you're across the country! Girl, I can't imagine. But I understand. You have a right to those unpretty temper tantrums and bed times that make me green with envy. Hahaha it's OKAY. Keep your eye on the prize and know that the right thing will come along. God's got this. He has that perfect house right there waiting for you and when it comes along you'll both sigh in relief. I hope this weekend and following week are much less stressful friend! Xo

  2. Oh Sarah, it will happen but you're right the in-between can really suck. I get the same way a lot of times, getting down because I'm down and there are so many people out there in way worse situations than I...and I know that but still can't help feeling down.

    Stay positive, it will all work itself out. I'll say a prayer on your behalf for extra measure :)

  3. The struggle of the unknown is a universal place we have all been and will probably visit again. The danger is not in the struggle but is in what we think about God as we struggle. He is at work behind the scenes and as people of faith we must trust His goodness all through the journey. To walk with Him is to trust Him when all seems hopeless because we know it isn't hopeless at all. To live life well is not to have no struggle but to hold tightly to the One who is in charge of it all AND to humbly accept that these very struggles must occur to produce perseverance and perseverance must have its good work....the fact is, we NEED these struggles....that's the hard truth of this life. Struggles make us more like Him and that's the goal from His conform change us bc we need changing...and all of this is done from a loving, perfect Heavenly Father's perspective. He is making a masterpiece of you. Love you and will continue to pray for your peace. We must love God for Himself and not what He can give us.....I've been meditating on that one for a while :)

  4. Hey there! This is the first time I've visited you blog, but this post caught my eye! I've bought me a house or two, and you're right, it's totally one of the most stressful events in someone's life. The best I can say is: hang in there, don't settle, but also have realistic expectations. Love your future home. And if you can't love it completely, settle with liking it a lot and transforming it into someplace you LOVE. My mom once said the right house will come along. Be patient. .... and it did!

  5. Aw, I'm sorry to hear house hunting is going so poorly for the two of you! Even at its smoothest, house hunting seems to be a long and tedious process.

    I wish you all of the luck in the world in having it eventually work out. <3


Good morning, Starshine! The Earth says, "Hello!"