Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Lessons from Trash TV . . .

Some days, I like to turn on the TV and not have to think.
Or get emotionally involved in the characters.
Or even laugh, really.
I want to be shocked, rendered speechless in disgusted disbelief.

I just want noise--noise that reminds me that my life could always be a little worse and that, doggone it, maybe I'm not such a bad person after all. Enter . . . BRIDEZILLAS.

If you've not seen it, I won't say that you should . . . unless you want to watch grown women act like two-year-olds.  Still, I've learned things . . . hence the title "Lessons from Trash TV" . . . because sometimes, I'm smart like that.  I get that this show is all about exploiting extremes, but the fact that the show ran for YEARS might say something (you know, other than the fact that Americans love watching the ridiculous antics of disgusting people) . . .

1. Somewhere, somehow, a wedding is all about the woman in white . . . or gold . . . or ivory . . . or whatever blinking color she choose to wear . . .
Maybe they were all fed the line, but, in every episode, every SINGLE woman, regardless of race, age, or demographic, says (er, bellows): "It's MY day! MY. DAY! It's not about you--it's about ME!"
Somehow I had missed this memo (maybe because my groom was as opinionated and involved as they come), but, apparently, a wedding is now a day-long event (month long? year long?) that is a celebration in honor of the bride. Not the union, not the families, not the couple--THE BRIDE.  Apparently, this gives a woman license to demand the rest of the world stop in its tracks to help her prepare favors.  The groom is an accessory, and guests are only there to marvel at her beauty.

2. Screaming and crying can still get you places.
I'm not much of a crier, but I get it when you just can't take it any more. Sometimes, you just HAVE to have a good cry.  What I don't understand is how we're told not to let toddlers pitch fits, but when a twenty-eight-year-old woman falls into hysterics, we just throw everything she wants at her feet. Seriously? I had a breakdown or two over my own wedding, but I got the "get up and get over it" routine and went back to stuffing candy into favors and setting up the tables and chairs for the event. I thought you grew up and kept going . . .maybe not .  . .

Confession: one of the things we would NOT compromise on were shoes. I had to have blue flats. He had to have chucks. It took some convincing (without screaming and crying, thank goodness), but we think it turned out swimmingly. ;]

3. Weddings are EXPENSIVE . . .and it's okay to steal because it's "Your Day"
Ok, I knew this. I did.  Still, to gawk at the prices . . . Wow . . . Are they gorgeous? Usually, yes. Can some of the couple completely afford it? Yes, awesome. Are some of the brides-to-be sneaking around their future mates/parents to spend and spend and spend WAY above budget? OH, HONEY!

4. It's okay to be a super jerk when you're a stressed bride-to-be
This goes along with 1 and 2, I guess.  I know that stress can turn us all into nasty creatures, and, considering most of these women are on starvation diets, being "hangry" makes it even worse . . . Still, that shouldn't be an excuse for hitting people, taping mouths, and cussing so sailors blush crimson.  Really? Were you EVER told "no" or taught basic people skills? Ever?!?

5. Grammar
Please use it. Please. Please please please PLEEEEAAAASEE!!! I know it doesn't make you a better person, but at least showing some basic knowledge of the English language, regardless of how much we Americans have butchered it. It makes you so much easier to listen to . . . Or is that just me? Am I the only one who finds poor grammar painful to hear?
And, really, can we find another adjective BESIDES the F-bomb? Show some creativity, people.

6. Strippers really do get completely naked.
Go ahead and laugh at me. I am just THAT innocent . . . The closest I've ever come to a strip club is Hooters and movies where strip clubs weren't really featured, edited, or I just wasn't paying attention. Ok, I guess I knew female strippers did  . . . Male strippers?  I had no idea. NO. IDEA. I mean . . . I thought the at least the thong stayed on . . . or something . . . It wasn't until they started blurring the screen at these bachlorette parties that a light bulb went off. "Oh my GOSH! He's . .. it's . . . in her face?! AAAAAAAH!!!"
Can you tell I didn't have a bachlorette party? Not that I didn't want one, but my sister--my MOH--was thirteen at the time, so . . . Slumber party anyone? Yeah, we didn't even really do that . . . Oh, well . . .
Please laugh at my complete oblivion. It's the only way I'll feel better about it . . .

7. People are out to ruin your day
This is, apparently, a common concern.
"My bridesmaids will ruin it."
"My mom is impossible. She's trying to spoil everything."
"My sisters are the ones really trying to steal the spotlight on MY day."
I had no idea.
No idea that this was an issue. Maybe it's only an issue for the very paranoid, but I'm paranoid, and that thought never crossed my mind. Sure, there were times where opinions bothered me, but I don't remember thinking, "This is sabotage!!!"
Anyone else have those thoughts?

Just because the hubs is so handsome ;] And his cohorts aren't too bad either ;]

8. It has to be PERFECTION or it's not worth it.
Every wedding has mistakes. You hear the stories from everyone who was ever married. 
At my wedding, the runner was too short and the groomsmen/ushers totally forgot about the grandmothers after the ceremony.
At my sister-in-law's, the flower girl threw her basket by accident at the beginning of her procession and proceeded to drop imaginary petals down the aisle.
At a friend's wedding, she and her hubby-to-be were supposed to memorize their vows, but she completely blanked on hers.
Mistakes happen. They're the parts you remember, the things that make you laugh.
But these inevitable quirks are the most dreaded thing in all of history. You do NOT make mistakes. EVER.

Bridesmaids are personal she-slaves until the wedding is over.
Really? Like, really REALLY really?
"It's a privilege to be in my wedding! Who wouldn't want to be in my wedding?!" bridezillas rant after demanding each bridesmaid go on special diets and finish favors. 
I saw my bridesmaids at my bridal showers.  My baby sisters/flower girls helped me with favors because they thought it was fun. My mom, her two friends, and I did the work. I felt special having the ladies up there with me.  I mean, really, they bought and wore the dresses I requested. Could I really have asked for anything more?

I did let them pick their own from a list of dresses in two colors . . . turns out two picked one style in the first color (right--Martha, my best pal since seventh grade, and my sister, Cat) and two picked other matching dresses in the second color (left--Mel and Julie, my best buds from high school and sisters-in-law).

 11. Being on time . . . what on earth is THAT?I run late. All the time. I do. It's awful. But showing up three hours late to your own bridal shower? Starting the ceremony two hours behind  schedule because you want to take more bridal portraits? I can't even imagine.  
 12. In the end, so long as you're married, it's all worth it . . . usually.
 With only the rare exception, at the end of the show, every bride is beaming, hanging on her new hubby's   arm, laughing as she says she would do it all over again because everything was wonderful.  She has her man; he has his woman; people are having a grand old time; and that's the whole thing. That's the best part. Forget flowers, cake, and bridesmaid's shoes. So long as those pieces come together, it's all fabulous in the end.

No, that wasn't planned . . . I had mentioned that I'd love to be "dipped" at the alter, but totally didn't expect him to do it . . . He did :]

And that's my rant . . . .

How about you? Any trash TV you indulge in? Lessons from it? Wedding nightmares? 


  1. I've never seen that show, but I'll admit to watching "Say Yes to the Dress" when I just want brain candy. And I can't really believe modern-day wedding culture either. I certainly did not think that the wedding was all about me....Angel and I decided that the wedding was all about our family, because all I wanted was pretty pictures of Angel and I, and you can have those without having a big wedding. But all of my family would have been sad if I hadn't given them a wedding to go to, and that's why we had one. And I mostly let my grandparents do whatever they wanted about it because they were the most opinionated people involved and they had the most wedding experience, too. :P
    And I agree that it's the mistakes that makes everything more memorable....my aunt losing Angel's wedding ring minutes before the ceremony and finding it on the bathroom floor...the pastor mispronouncing our last name...the flower girl getting stage fright and refusing to walk... :) Every time I do see a wedding show I'm grateful for mine!

  2. If anything can scare me off of marriage and throwing a wedding its this show! Those girls are crazy, its drama after drama, I cant understand how a man can love a woman who is like that!

  3. omg. Seriously dying right now. The male strippers comment totally got me. Ha!

    FINALLY following you now! Looking forward to scouring your pinterest! :) Thanks so much for linking up with us, and hope to see you for the next find + follow hop this weekend!



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