Friday, November 16, 2012

Tweeny Note in Honor of the Closing of the "Saga"

Dear Female Tweens of Today:

In honor of the release of the final piece of the unexplainable cultural phenomenon of the past seven years (good grief, that long?!), I'm going to finally speak my mind (though the fellows of Rifftrax do it SO much better--seriously, I DIED).


I had time to reflect upon my own high school experiences, whether they matched up to dear so-not-dysfunctional-and-bland Bella and Edward's (No, I'm not being sarcastic . . . really . . . you don't believe me? Well, shucks.). Mine didn't. Not even a little. So here, dear tweens (and teens . . . and grown-ups . . .), are my words of advice.

  • Your parents may not be quite as oblivious as dear Charlie Swan. In fact, they will probably know you're hiding your boyfriend in your bedroom. And they won't like it. No sir. And you can totally forget about sneaking off to Italy . . . randomly. Yeah, it's not gonna happen. And if Charlie Swan is your parents' idea of a great role model, please find yourself a new set.
  • Throwing yourself off a cliff will not bring your boyfriend back. Sorry.
  • If you notice some guy glaring at you from across the cafeteria consistently . . . and not like day-dreaming-into-space-and-you-happen-to-be-in-the-way or check-me-out-wink staring, but the "I'm a creeper and thinking nasty, dirty things" staring, RUN. He is not a knight in shining armor. He is, truly, a creeper thinking nasty, dirty things. You can judge a book by it's cover.
  • Also, if he suddenly appears outside your window or inside your bedroom at night, don't swoon over the romantic nature. That's called "stalking" and it's bad. So, in response YOU SCREAM. Then kick him, call the police, and send his skinny creeper tookus to the slammer.
^^^The appropriate response
  • If you find yourself miserable, confused, and obsessive in the relationship, it's probably not helping you out. I don't care how hot the guy is or how fast he runs up a mountain or scales pine trees, he's not good for you. 
  • If your friends keep asking you to do things, participate. Don't sit there like a wall ornament and mope. If all you do is pout and pine, you're not fun to be with, and, eventually, people will stop including you. Unless, that is, you live in the alternative universe of the Lady Meyers, in which the sulk-mistress who obsesses over her boyfriend  is still the most sought-after chick in the entire school.
  • If someone keeps telling you to go away, GO AWAY. If he wants you, he will chase you. If he tells you to leave and you keep following him around, it's a mess. Trust me. Been there, done that, so much unnecessary tension and drama. Turned out he was gay. You never know, ladies. You just never know. 
  • Abstinence is completely and totally worth the wait (I speak from experience, peeps--so awesome) . . . but,  if your lover is like "I can't sleep with you because I'll kill you." Uuuuuh . . . . wait . . . huh??? That's not love and patience that's . . . well . . . I don't even know. Fear? No meaning. No depth. And, fyi, if someone says that, you RUN (are you sensing a theme?)
  • Oh, and P.S. Vampires don't sparkle. The end. That's like taking Rambo's bow and arrow away or stripping Schwartzenegger of his muscles. You just don't. These are viscious undead killing machines . . . let's throw glitter on them! YAY!!!! 
    Yeah, NO. -_-

And I'm hopping off my soap box.
I hope I didn't offend anyone. If you are willing to explain to me the glories of Twilight, please do. I tend to be behind on the times and confused by trends of pop culture. I just don't see it folks. I tried to see it. I really did. I read all four books, even, because people kept telling me they got better . . . and they didn't . . . I can see why they're entertaining and why people like them (they fulfill the fantasy of the all-man--depending on your definition of manhood--seeking after you), but I've never been a romance fan. Not that kind of romance anyways. 

Some people might call me a "hater" but I don't have an issue with the fans. I have an issue with crummy literature that gives young women the wrong impression of what a healthy relationship looks like. I have no beef with you if you enjoy Meyer's quartet (I have several friends who do), but it's just not my thing.  I can have an opinion, right? Maybe just a little one? Please?

That being said, I leave you with the video that has brought me oh so much joy


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