What to Expect When You're Not Expecting . . . at all . . .

That moment when you realize your Pinterest pins may lead people to believe you’re pregnant . . . but you’re not . . . You just believe in research and being prepared . . . but now people are expecting some kind of “We’ve reproduced! Huzzah!” announcement. 

Also, when your husband is always, “Sarah, can’t you just say things like ‘pregnant,’ ‘baby,’ and ‘kids’? You sound like you hate children, calling them 'spawn' and 'offspring' and all that.”
And you always reply, “What? That’s what they are. Plus it sounds more interesting. Also, the term ‘parasites’ may be applicable.”
“SARAH!!! YOU’RE HORRIBLE!!!”
“WHAT?! I just call it how I see it.“
“You sad, sad, human being.”

You drop name ideas constantly. The hubs then calmly replies, “Yeah, no . . . and, by the way, you’re not even pregnant yet so . . . why are we having this discussion?”
“Because names are cool. And I’m a planner. The last thing I want is nine months of panic and indecision over what to call it.”
“Oh good Lord, Sarah . . . “

You don’t go to an extended family event because you feel sick.
The hubs returns with news that he was asked three different times if you were pregnant.
Are women not allowed to have colds or the flu without the general public winking and saying, “Ooooh morning sickness” ????
No. Just plain old fertility-has-nothing-to-do-with-it sickness. Geez. 

You and your husband have decided to send out birth announcements claiming your child is named “Malfurion Stormrage” just to see how people react . . . or if they get the nerd reference.
No, we really wouldn’t name our kid that . . . though it has a nice ring to it. 


You learn that, during your engagement your husband was warned, "Make sure you get a job that makes lots of money because I think Sarah will be a fertile-Myrtle."
I'm sorry, but I'm a what??? Where did this come from???? Is it because I have a boobs and butt? It's because of the B 'n B, isn't it? Doggone it. 

Then another friend gets pregnant, and you’re all squealing and dancing around the house, rejoicing in fertility, and your hubs is all, “You SO want babies right now.”
“Do not.”
“Sarah, this is EXACTLY the same thing you did when all your pals were getting engaged and you weren’t yet.”
“And?”
“You want babies.”
“Sure . . . but not RIGHT now.”
“Why?”
“Ahem. May I remind you that in seven months we will be moving across the country and, while you work, I will be unpacking. Did you know women who are seven months pregnant don’t really have a waist? I mean, I won’t be able to bend over to unpack.  It will take freakin’ forever because I’ll have to unload boxes like this—“
And then you proceed to perform a maneuver you’ve dubbed “the pregnant sumo.”
I’ll let your imagination go where it may.

And this is how we discuss the possibilities of pregnancy in the Bocci house. 
How do you discuss family planning?
If not, do people discuss it for you?