Lessons from Trash TV . . .

Some days, I like to turn on the TV and not have to think.
Or get emotionally involved in the characters.
Or even laugh, really.
I want to be shocked, rendered speechless in disgusted disbelief.

I just want noise--noise that reminds me that my life could always be a little worse and that, doggone it, maybe I'm not such a bad person after all. Enter . . . BRIDEZILLAS.



If you've not seen it, I won't say that you should . . . unless you want to watch grown women act like two-year-olds.  Still, I've learned things . . . hence the title "Lessons from Trash TV" . . . because sometimes, I'm smart like that.  I get that this show is all about exploiting extremes, but the fact that the show ran for YEARS might say something (you know, other than the fact that Americans love watching the ridiculous antics of disgusting people) . . .

1. Somewhere, somehow, a wedding is all about the woman in white . . . or gold . . . or ivory . . . or whatever blinking color she choose to wear . . .
Maybe they were all fed the line, but, in every episode, every SINGLE woman, regardless of race, age, or demographic, says (er, bellows): "It's MY day! MY. DAY! It's not about you--it's about ME!"
Somehow I had missed this memo (maybe because my groom was as opinionated and involved as they come), but, apparently, a wedding is now a day-long event (month long? year long?) that is a celebration in honor of the bride. Not the union, not the families, not the couple--THE BRIDE.  Apparently, this gives a woman license to demand the rest of the world stop in its tracks to help her prepare favors.  The groom is an accessory, and guests are only there to marvel at her beauty.

2. Screaming and crying can still get you places.
I'm not much of a crier, but I get it when you just can't take it any more. Sometimes, you just HAVE to have a good cry.  What I don't understand is how we're told not to let toddlers pitch fits, but when a twenty-eight-year-old woman falls into hysterics, we just throw everything she wants at her feet. Seriously? I had a breakdown or two over my own wedding, but I got the "get up and get over it" routine and went back to stuffing candy into favors and setting up the tables and chairs for the event. I thought you grew up and kept going . . .maybe not .  . .

Confession: one of the things we would NOT compromise on were shoes. I had to have blue flats. He had to have chucks. It took some convincing (without screaming and crying, thank goodness), but we think it turned out swimmingly. ;]

3. Weddings are EXPENSIVE . . .and it's okay to steal because it's "Your Day"
Ok, I knew this. I did.  Still, to gawk at the prices . . . Wow . . . Are they gorgeous? Usually, yes. Can some of the couple completely afford it? Yes, awesome. Are some of the brides-to-be sneaking around their future mates/parents to spend and spend and spend WAY above budget? OH, HONEY!

4. It's okay to be a super jerk when you're a stressed bride-to-be
This goes along with 1 and 2, I guess.  I know that stress can turn us all into nasty creatures, and, considering most of these women are on starvation diets, being "hangry" makes it even worse . . . Still, that shouldn't be an excuse for hitting people, taping mouths, and cussing so sailors blush crimson.  Really? Were you EVER told "no" or taught basic people skills? Ever?!?

5. Grammar
Please use it. Please. Please please please PLEEEEAAAASEE!!! I know it doesn't make you a better person, but at least showing some basic knowledge of the English language, regardless of how much we Americans have butchered it. It makes you so much easier to listen to . . . Or is that just me? Am I the only one who finds poor grammar painful to hear?
And, really, can we find another adjective BESIDES the F-bomb? Show some creativity, people.

6. Strippers really do get completely naked.
Go ahead and laugh at me. I am just THAT innocent . . . The closest I've ever come to a strip club is Hooters and movies where strip clubs weren't really featured, edited, or I just wasn't paying attention. Ok, I guess I knew female strippers did  . . . Male strippers?  I had no idea. NO. IDEA. I mean . . . I thought the at least the thong stayed on . . . or something . . . It wasn't until they started blurring the screen at these bachlorette parties that a light bulb went off. "Oh my GOSH! He's . .. it's . . . in her face?! AAAAAAAH!!!"
Can you tell I didn't have a bachlorette party? Not that I didn't want one, but my sister--my MOH--was thirteen at the time, so . . . Slumber party anyone? Yeah, we didn't even really do that . . . Oh, well . . .
Please laugh at my complete oblivion. It's the only way I'll feel better about it . . .

7. People are out to ruin your day
This is, apparently, a common concern.
"My bridesmaids will ruin it."
"My mom is impossible. She's trying to spoil everything."
"My sisters are the ones really trying to steal the spotlight on MY day."
I had no idea.
Really.
No idea that this was an issue. Maybe it's only an issue for the very paranoid, but I'm paranoid, and that thought never crossed my mind. Sure, there were times where opinions bothered me, but I don't remember thinking, "This is sabotage!!!"
Anyone else have those thoughts?

Just because the hubs is so handsome ;] And his cohorts aren't too bad either ;]

8. It has to be PERFECTION or it's not worth it.
Every wedding has mistakes. You hear the stories from everyone who was ever married. 
At my wedding, the runner was too short and the groomsmen/ushers totally forgot about the grandmothers after the ceremony.
At my sister-in-law's, the flower girl threw her basket by accident at the beginning of her procession and proceeded to drop imaginary petals down the aisle.
At a friend's wedding, she and her hubby-to-be were supposed to memorize their vows, but she completely blanked on hers.
Mistakes happen. They're the parts you remember, the things that make you laugh.
But these inevitable quirks are the most dreaded thing in all of history. You do NOT make mistakes. EVER.

9. Bridesmaids are personal she-slaves until the wedding is over.
Really? Like, really REALLY really?
"It's a privilege to be in my wedding! Who wouldn't want to be in my wedding?!" bridezillas rant after demanding each bridesmaid go on special diets and finish favors. 
I saw my bridesmaids at my bridal showers.  My baby sisters/flower girls helped me with favors because they thought it was fun. My mom, her two friends, and I did the work. I felt special having the ladies up there with me.  I mean, really, they bought and wore the dresses I requested. Could I really have asked for anything more?

I did let them pick their own from a list of dresses in two colors . . . turns out two picked one style in the first color (right--Martha, my best pal since seventh grade, and my sister, Cat) and two picked other matching dresses in the second color (left--Mel and Julie, my best buds from high school and sisters-in-law).

 11. Being on time . . . what on earth is THAT?I run late. All the time. I do. It's awful. But showing up three hours late to your own bridal shower? Starting the ceremony two hours behind  schedule because you want to take more bridal portraits? I can't even imagine.  
  
 12. In the end, so long as you're married, it's all worth it . . . usually.
 With only the rare exception, at the end of the show, every bride is beaming, hanging on her new hubby's   arm, laughing as she says she would do it all over again because everything was wonderful.  She has her man; he has his woman; people are having a grand old time; and that's the whole thing. That's the best part. Forget flowers, cake, and bridesmaid's shoes. So long as those pieces come together, it's all fabulous in the end.

No, that wasn't planned . . . I had mentioned that I'd love to be "dipped" at the alter, but totally didn't expect him to do it . . . He did :]

And that's my rant . . . .

How about you? Any trash TV you indulge in? Lessons from it? Wedding nightmares? 

Book Reviews

Neverwhere
Neil Gaiman
This lovely little adventure tale introduced me to the mastermind that is Neil Gaiman.  I'm only mildly obsessed with the man. To say he's on of my modern literary idols would be completely accurate (don't get me started). If I could trade lives with anyone for a day, I would trade with Neil Gaiman . . . but that's another post for another time.

Neverwhere is the story of Richard Mayhew, a very nice but average sort of fellow living an average sort of life in London.  One night, on his way dinner with his fiance, Richard stumbles upon a homeless girl bleeding to death on the street. From that point on, everything in Richard's life unravels.  He finds himself on a quest in an alternate reality: London Below, a fascinating re-imagining of  London's Underground. The characters are wonderfully rendered in this dark, gritty, Alice-in-Wonderland-esque tale.  This was a story that enchanted and terrified me in its first reading, and did so again when I reread it five years later.  Would I ever want to visit London Below? Hmm . . . I'll have to get back to you on that one. Would I reread the Marquis de Carabas, Hunter, Door, and Richard's adventures  again and again? In a HEARTBEAT. 

If you love dark humor/dark fantasy, check Gaiman out. Don't question, just do it. He's a freakin' master.

 Killing Lincoln

Bill O'Reilly and Martin Dugard

There seems to be a recent, massive spark in curiosity about one of America's greatest presidents. I'd like to think it all began with the publication of Seth Grahame-Smith's Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (really fun and educational read, by the way--I HIGHLY recommend it to parody lovers), but, then again, great men are always fascinating.

Killing Lincoln covers the final days of the Civil Wat leading to Lee's surrender, John Wilkes Booth's vengeful obsession, that fateful trip to the theater, and ends with Booth's demise.  All the while, the authors tie together the plans, theories, and conspiracies leading to America's first presidential assassination. The research is very detailed without being too bogged down and doesn't read like a history book.  Is it the most thrilling thing I've ever read? Well, I wasn't exactly sweating, but I found myself wanting to keep reading and, quite frankly, enjoying myself. For anyone who paid attention in third grade American history, we all know how the story goes, but all the details O'Reilly and Dugard have managed to collect and relate in everyday language is really interesting.  If you like history, it's definitely worth picking up.



Til We Have Faces: A Myth Retold
C.S. Lewis  

I would have to put this book down as one of my all time favorites.  When I was a junior in high school, a sophomore lent me the book, saying, "I know how much you love Lewis, and this is my favorite. You HAVE to read it. It's a little slow in the beginning, but it's worth it."
I devoured it.
I mean, really, started reading it in the car after school and didn't stop until I had finished it that evening, much to my best friend's dismay, as our sleepover became a watching-Sarah-read fest. (Yes, it was rude, and, yes, I am sorry, but . . . the book was AMAZING).
When I said earlier that Gaiman is one of my modern literary idols, Lewis tops him, which says A  LOT. You have no idea.

The book is a re-imagining of the Greek myth of Cupid and Psyche. The story is told by Psyche's older, ugly sister, Orual, who composes the tale as a case against the gods. The girls grow up in harsh, barbaric kingdom that worships the blood-thirsty Ungit, an incarnation of Aphrodite. When famine and disease plague the land, Psyche is sent as a sacrifice to the God of the Mountain, breaking Orual's heart as she loves her little sister more than life itself. It's a beautiful, raw story that studies and reveals the layers of the human heart.

As a lover of Greek mythology, I adored this retelling--it remains true to the original tale while offering a new voice and vision.  It's a story of selfish love vs sacrificial love, identity, and fate. Lewis did a remarkable job writing in  female voice, making Orual a truly believable character as she observes, struggles, and grows from an intelligent, frightened child to noble, warrior queen. Every time I reread it, I walk away with some new revelation.  Is it a fast-paced, action-packed story with tons of romance? Meh, maybe not by most standards, but it's a fabulous story.  

Things You Probably Don't Need to Know . . .

First off,  I have a confession: I have found myself on the internet . . . All my awkwardness and insecurities and nerdities displayed in one character: Cyd Sherman aka Codex from The Guild.  Every time she stares into her webcam and stammers a confession of her own social anxieties, I'm like "Oh my GOSH! ME, TOO!!!" Forget that she's a fictional character, Codex gets it. I bet she obsessively rubs her hands together whenever she's nervous, too . . . or maybe that's just me . . .

[source]

If someone were to ever make a movie of my life (you know if it suddenly gets thrilling or heartbreaking or something), I would beg Felicia Day to play the part. I mean BEG BEG. Because I adore her. I just do.

More confessions . . . .

• I love peanut butter like most women love chocolate. Like I can't live without it. I take on chocolate chip cookies, baked into cookies, on bananas, apples, graham crackers, as pie . . . I definitely go through phases where I don't touch it for weeks, but I kind of need it in my larder AT ALL TIMES. Just in case.

I don't know why I'm writing about food . . . I'm not hungry . . . maybe I am? I don't know.

• Some of my worst nightmares involve my teeth falling out.
  
• Willow and Oz from "Buffy: the Vampire Slayer" are one of my all-time FAVORITE TV couples, mostly because of Oz, I think. His dry wit is so . . . just . . . love it. Couldn't resist it if I tried, even if he is short . . . and a werewolf . . . Oh, minor details, am I right?

From this moment, I was hooked.
I don't care how "has-been" Buffy is, I  NEED a Team Oz shirt. Not even kidding. 

•  I still have my rock collection that I started when I was ten. Trading rocks and sea shells was the only time I was comfortable haggling, and, even then, I felt guilty afterwards because I was pretty sure I'd swindled my friend.
• I want to learn to crochet mainly because I want to make scarves . . . mostly Harry Potter Hogwarts House-themed scarves . . . Go Ravenclaw! (Alas, my nerdhood abounds . . . )
• I am HORRIFICALLY near-sighted. Things get blurry if they're six inches away from my nose. I need laser-eye surgery or I'll probably be legally blind by 50.
• In social situations with strangers, I drink copious amounts of water because I feel like my mouth needs to do something but I'm too nervous to make it speak. I'm best hydrated when anxious, apparently.
• Despite this, I really enjoy public speaking, performing on stage, meeting new people, and going to parties.
• I didn't start painting until I was in college because I was afraid I couldn't do it. Up until that point, my only artistic experience was sketching with pencils. When my freshman roommate introduced me to other mediums, I fell in love and became an art minor (I'm not nearly talented enough to be an art MAJOR--I just like to dabble). 

I've only let Chris hang up one of my paintings: this one little experiment called Heaven and Earth that I created right before our wedding. My parents driveway still has paint spots on it . . .
The photographs are of Chris and his best pal, Joe, being all musical and were taken by Joe's sister, Amy

•   My favorite painting was one I did to piss off my art teacher.  We were supposed to do a painting in values (grays, whites, and blacks) using basic, angular shapes. I didn't understand the assignment, so I did it in my dorm room the night before.  Turns out, it was an in-class project, my painting didn't fit the criteria, and, instead of letting me grab a new canvas (or give me a canvas sheet as he had other students) the man made me paint over it. HE DEMANDED I KILL MY BRAIN CHILD. MURDER!!! So, enraged and heartbroken, I did just that.  The new shades of gray painting featured little dolls with faces like The Scream playing on this giant, box-shaped, toy tiger with gaping jaws. I called it Preyground. I think my teacher thought I was deranged. Apparently, someone liked it because it was stolen from the art room. I've never gotten over that.
  P.S. Can you tell I'm incredibly passive aggressive? Maybe?
• I'm a night owl in the worst kind of way. I also love owls in the best kind of way. Just adore them. I think that must be why they're kind of the theme of my new living room . . .
• I've traveled to Nicaragua, Tokyo, China, the Bahamas, and Great Britain. Spending a semester in London was one of the best decisions I ever made. I miss it almost every day.
  There are still so many new places I need to see before I die . . .
• I have absolutely NO sense of direction. At all. I'm constantly having to check my hands for my wedding rings to remember which way is left.

• All our pet's names are references to something nerdish--"Navi" is the fairy from the video game, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time; "Pipkin" is one of my favorite characters from Watership Down; and "Shasta," along with being Chris's favorite soda, is a character from Chris's favorite Chronicles of Narnia book, The Horse and His Boy.

Have I said too much? Sometimes, I worry that I do . . .  But, anyways, just little random things about me . . . Thanks for reading! You're a champ!